On Loneliness
I am not a summer girl. The heat, the lack of schedule and rhythm. It's just not for me. I've been lucky to find a collection of friends who also struggle with summer. We joke (but are serious) that we have seasonal depression - summer edition. And my friend who's a therapist even found an article about it, so I feel seen and validated.
I'm not unproductive. I've organized closets and made meals, texted with friends, and even ventured out a few times each week. And still, that lonely feeling persists.
I know God is near and I work daily to give Him my loneliness. I try and sort out the root cause. And after careful examination, I think the root cause is my humanity.
So simple. And so demonstrated by Jesus.
How often did He feel tired, alone, weary - even when surrounded by people. While He gave everything to them, scripture also notes how He was drained, and had to tuck away for rest and time with His Father.
Again and again I'm grateful for the humanity of Jesus. That HE knows and has a heart for our struggles.
Yesterday my spiritual director asked me what I needed from Jesus. She asked what time in my life did I most feel His withness. It was during chemo, when I felt the least myself, the most ready to go on to heaven, that Jesus cloaked me like a weighted blanket. He was nearer than my skin, than my breath.
And while I don't want to go back to that level of suffering, I miss weighted blanket Jesus. While I'm not suffering as intensely as I was three years ago, I am suffering with my limitations, loneliness, chronic migraine.
I venture less and less into the world because it's not made for people in wheelchairs. Sure they offer parking and a ramp, but being accessible is more than that. Often the ramps are in just one part of a shopping center. Or carpeted. Or so inclined it takes all my energy to roll myself up.
Saturday we went to an Imax theater, but the elevator was broken. The usher happily directed us to a door which led to a ramp. Seven to be exact. Seven carpeted ramps. Halfway up my anxiety kicked in and I just wanted to go back down. Scott and Eljah encouraged me and we made it to the top. But one hour in I needed the restroom, so back down I went. It was too much to try and go back, so I just sat out.
I often feel drained just entering a place, and the defeat makes me want to turn back around and retreat. I am so lucky to have an amazing husband who always helps me. I am grateful for his unending love and support.
I want to go into the world on my own. But it requires endless logistics. Ramps lead to sidewalks that have a restaurants sandwich board and tables and chairs. All things I'm in charge of moving to get where I need to go.
I am brokenhearted a lot by the offerings of those who are able, who seem to not even ask those of us who have deeper needs what would be helpful.
So I take all of this, and hand it to Jesus. Ever mindful He is MOST who I need. He is BEST equipped to sort my jumbled human heart. And in sharing all things light and all things heavy, He answers.
In the quiet of this morning, Jesus quietly answered the prayer requests I shared with my spiritual director. In the most Jesus way, He let me know He is here. Of course. And He loves me. Of course. And my loneliness, while not cured, is seen. And that is enough for me.
A Meditation from the amazing Scott Erickson
God...
I feel so lost.
And it is the most devastating feeling
To be lost.
From You.
From me.
From everybody and everything.
Thankfully You knew we would all come to this moment...
So you gave us the gift of Lost Stories....
The shepherd leaves the 99 to find the one lost sheep.
The woman cleans her entire house looking for the lost coin.
The father throws a party when the lost son is finally returned to his seat at the family table.
I am lost
But not to You.
I’m lost to me,
Lost to the self that doesn’t work anymore.
May I see my lost-ness
not as sign of being forgotten,
But a necessary preamble
to the celebration
of my belonging.
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