All My Undoneness

 

I cry to the Lord with my voice; I lift up my voice boldly to beg for Your mercy. I spill out my heart to You and tell You all my troubles. When my spirit languishes within me (when I am desperate, overwhelmed, about to give up), You know my path. In you I trust - I see Your heart, and You see mine. You call me beloved, not for what I do, but simply because it's who I am.

You hold the depths of my heart - every corner. You alone can contain and hold my depths. The more I trust You, the more You hold. Contained and held in Your DONENESS is my undoneness. Nothing can separate me from Your love. No level of honesty, of grief, of fear will separate me from Your great love. Thank you God that honest feeling doesn't equal failing. You care about my heart and can hold all my emotions. I trust You to sort them for my good and Your GLORY.

God, I trust You with my heart. Help me to be authentic and trust You as a Good Father. You are willing and able to hold all my truths, all my darkness, all my undoneness. You hold it all. (based on Psalm 142 + Romans 8)

Last week my therapist encouraged me to write a liturgy for morning and evening that reflects Gods heart and Gods eyes when He sees me. A liturgy that acknowledges these limitations are from Him and have purpose.

This journey has been hard. Thank you for walking with us. For the prayers, meals, cards, flowers, presents and those who have gifted their presence. The close circle God has gifted me who allow me to process : who hear the hard and simply love all the more. Thank you SO much. I carry your heart in mine and I love you.

Still working on being gentle with myself. Working through the fact there’s no blueprint for chemo. It’s moment to moment and grace to grace. I’m learning that’s not my favorite way to live. I like a plan and expectations. And God knows that.

But I also know He knows best. He knows what I need - better than I. Despite my comfort zones or expectations - I feel God dismantling and pressing me. It’s painful and scary - but I trust Him. Though He slays me, yet will I worship.

“Dismantling our empires til each one of us is free, Your peace will make us one.” Audrey Assad