Let Love Guide

I am so grateful for beautiful life (and that my birthday falls within Advent). The candles of HOPE and PEACE are now lit, on the wreath, and in my heart. The lectionary had an obscure (not-seemingly-super-Adventy) scripture from Luke 21:25-33 (AMP) the first Sunday. The sky is literally falling, but God, in holy mystery, reminds the end isn't the end. The Return of Christ: “There will be signs (attesting miracles) in the sun and moon and stars; and on the earth [there will be] distress and anguish among nations, in perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea and the waves, people fainting from fear and expectation of the [dreadful] things coming on the world; for the [very] powers of the heavens will be shaken. Then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with [transcendent, overwhelming] power [subduing the nations] and with great glory. Now when these things begin to occur, stand tall and lift up your heads [in joy], because [suffering ends as] your redemption is dra

Got to celebrate my favorite November birthdays. Mama turned 70 Saturday and we had a small family pizza party. Afterward Scott and I pulled out her Christmas decorations and added some lights and festiveness to the home. Tuesday we celebrated the love of my life - Scott. We enjoyed dinner and showering him with gifts. This week we also got to gather as a family to celebrate Elijah's HS graduation ceremony at Lanier Tech (postponed twice due to COVID). Monday's ceremony was so glorious and inspirational. There were mothers and daughters, brothers and sisters, old and young who walked the stage. The mayor of Auburn spoke and her life story took my breath away. She is the epitome of "But God ..." She spoke with Elijah afterward and encouraged him in his next steps. We continue to see and feel God's hand in every moment of our story. A devotion I read said the purpose of every test is to take us higher. While it's hard to be continually pressed and refined, love

When I remember You on my bed, I meditate and thoughtfully focus on You in the night watches. For You have been my help, And in the shadow of Your wings [where I am always protected] I sing for joy. My soul [my life, my very self] clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. (Psalm 63:6-8)  This past year, I've learned complete surrender to God and His will. He is sovereign and His plans are greater than we could hope or imagine. I've also accepted His plan rarely looks as we would write or even desire. But I trust His heart, His plan, and His great love for my family.  Mama has received news her triple negative breast cancer has returned and metastasized. She will begin chemotherapy tomorrow (Thursday, October 21). They will image her after two months to see if it's helping slow disease progression. It's not a cure, just palliative. Her oncologist said it's expected to extend her life by 7-12 months.  But God ...  Even though we are devastated and weary, we are not w

Hello sweet friends. Just a quick update to let you know our family is well. We were saddened by my father's unexpected passing, but not overcome. Though we were surprised, Sovereign God knew when daddy would take his last breath from the moment he was knit in his mother's womb.  I have peace he was not alone. From my time near the veil, I know Jesus' forehead was pressed against my daddy's and He ushered him through the shadow into heaven. The night he fell ill, I was driving through the night, praying part of Psalm 23  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort and console me.  At 4:20am I looked at the clock, noted the time, and knew daddy was with the Lord. My mom called at that moment to confirm what the Holy Spirit had already told me. When I arrived at my parent's home, I told her I was praying these specific words from Psalm 23 and she said she had gone to her Bible, fra

“Come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Put on my yoke, and learn from me. I’m gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and my burden is light.”  Our Parish is studying this verse. The week our study began, a radio program, several devotions, and a book I'm reading - all spoke on Matt 11:28-30. Love how God speaks!  In "Gentle and Lowly," Dane Ortlund writes this is the one place Jesus tells us of His own heart. His very heart is gentle (His posture towards His own isn't a pointed finger, but open arms); lowly (He's accessible - all He wants and needs is our open heart.) “He can't un-gentle Himself toward His own, any more than you or I can change our eye color. It's who we are." D. Ortlund  God has been drawing me closer to His heart, taking my burdens and replacing them with his yoke (which is actually a non-yoke; an un-burdening). This year, I've

  I found peace in the chaos I found peace in suffering And I found peace in confusion I found peace inside of me I can finally breathe again 'Cause I found You in the river I found You in suffering And I found You on the mountain You were always around me Anna Golden - Peace Hello friends. It's been a moment since I shared what the Lord is doing. Honestly, it's been a lot to process and I've been giving God space to sort my heart and emotions. My moments of life have not been instagrammable and I've struggled to share. I am in a new season of refreshment, nourishment, and rest. On Friday, July 9, I stepped away from my job. Cancer and chemo and prolonged pandemic reordered my life. And it’s hard and not what I planned or envisioned. There was a high cost. But I am not less than. I am just changed. I'm learning there is peace in surrender. After 47 years of controlling my narrative and wrestling with God, I'm learning full surrender. These last months have b

He has not despised my cries of deep despair. He’s my first responder to my sufferings, and when I was in pain, he was there all the time and heard the cries of the afflicted. Psalm 22:24 Hello sweet friends. It's been a long month with a lot of life. I longed to write an update, but I've been very sideways and just gave God time to sort out my emotions, heal my heart, and give me His words to share. The days after chemo proved to be my hardest yet. I was really shocked at how weak I was. I was unable to sit upright and felt fatigued to the point of death. I thought processing throughout my journey would spare me grief at the end, but there's no shortcuts with trauma. There's no moving on from deep loss, only moving through it. This past month I've barely recognized myself and grieved deeply. My body has stored all the trauma - not just from chemo - but from a lifetime of striving, persevering, proving. For 40+ years I lived as if I had no limitations and that vers

  And I'll testify of the battles You've won How You were my portion when there wasn't enough I'll testify of the seas that we've crossed The waters You parted, the waves that I've walked My God did not fail It’s the story I’ll tell The Story I'll Tell , by Maverick City Music It. Is. Finished. Father, my life is yours. I pray I brought you all the glory. I am your servant. May your word to me be fulfilled. And now my favorite African Benediction we pray every Sunday at The Parish AN AFRICAN BENEDICTION All our problems, We send to the cross of Christ! All our difficulties, We send to the cross of Christ! All the devil’s works, We send to the cross of Christ! All our hopes, We set on the risen Christ! Today, I raise a hallelujah. Until all is restored. Grateful for the nearness of God, for our family and friends who are family, for the beauty in each day, and for the hope of heaven Wore remembrances of those I carry in my heart. Cardinal bracelet and ring i

  Saw my team at St. Joe's today. If they DON'T call, I get Chemo 6 (ring-the-bell) tomorrow (Friday, April 30) There's a vulnerability to being at peace, and I still have work to do. For several years doctors and nurses have written, "patient has anxiety" in my chart. I rebuffed that note, because often my anxiety and tears came after receiving not great news. But through these last four months, I've come to accept I do have anxiety - whether I label it that, or not - I hold my breath, there's tension in my shoulders, and intermittent gasps of air, like a panic attack. Even when I feel my mind is at peace, my body tells a true and different story. And I feel that tension. Waiting in the tension of Thursday and Friday, waiting to see if I get chemo, it's hard to pray. I think my processing and tears are my prayers, which help make space for God's best will and what He wants to do in my heart and life. In the past, my prayers gave me hope God's

As I await the end of this chapter, I'm grateful. Life near the veil has had many valleys. But I'm grateful to have felt the deepest sorrows, because it freed me to feel the highest joys. Even in the depths of sorrow, there were little Easter's that refreshed and strengthened. Being so near to God's heart meant He was so intimately close. Sometimes I couldn't feel Him - yet I knew I was held by Him. Like looking at a mountain. From a distance, we notice the curves, colors, and peaks. When you're in the mountain, it's a different experience. That's what life near the veil is like - and these are some of the lessons learned. 1. Grief is just as much a part of our day as joy and boredom and any other emotion. I've come to embrace the deep and momentary grief that has come. It feels counterintuitive, but I've found true healing has come by giving grief its due space. 2. In my small story of suffering, recovery, joy, and hope, Jesus is here and co-s

  Powerful is your arm! Strong is your hand! Your right hand is lifted high in glorious strength. Psalm 89:13 The night before my fourth chemo - when I was uncertain if I would be healthy enough for treatment, I had a session with my therapist. She asked me what I needed from God for tomorrow and all I could do was cry. The weight of living in this middle space - in the waiting - made me so anxious. It felt I was paused at treatment three with no promise of four and hope felt too dangerous. All I needed from God that Friday was to hold me. To feel His nearness. I was at the end of myself, having exhausted all striving and resources. There was nothing I could control or fix. That night, weeping to God, I surrendered, waved my white flag, and began to rest in Him. In prayer, I let Him know I await a miracle. I await His intervention. Truly all will know it’s Him and He will get the glory for doing the impossible. God restored my body to receive chemo four. Though the symptoms and pain we

  Working to let go of . . . anxiety, expectation, fear. I haven't prepared (AT ALL) to not receive chemo tomorrow. Too fearful to hope - to expect. Instead, focused on how God is in each of our moments. He knows the plans and they are best. My prayer is only to be held as His plan unfolds. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. For now, I retreat into the boat, to sail close to God's heart. He is big enough and loves enough to hold our fears. So grateful Jesus modeled retreating to the Father. I feel Him near in my cries and tears - a participation in the life of Christ so holy and precious. If I have strength, it's from the Lord. If I have joy, it's from the Lord. All I am is because of God and God alone. Just as God sustained His beloved, He will sustain us. Darkness won't have the last word. Even in the grief, we work to bring justice to the world, to bring help in crisis, but we also work for beauty, laughter, and levity for sheer pleasure. We write,