My Hope
{9.11.2001} None of us will forgot this date {ever.} It's a day that shook all of us to our core, shook our faith, bonded us together. It changed us.
{9.10.2001} The day before ... this is the date I'll never forgot. This was the day my marriage of four years ended. I spent the morning listening to Sinead O'Connor's "Last Day of Our Acquaintance" {and praying.} On this day I would cease being a Mrs. and become part of a statistic. At the age of 27 I would be a single mother of a precious three-year-old little boy {our Noah}. I felt devastated by this outcome. I was raised in a Christian home, my parents were happily married. My grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great {...} all happily married.
And, I was saddened by the fact we broke the covenant of marriage. When we married, God was in it {and God was for us.} And yet, four years later, we were divorced. How would I ever be of use to God? This was the question of my heart.
{9.11.2001} The morning of September 11 I had just dropped Noah at preschool and was driving to work at Tower 1 in Buckhead. I was listening to the radio and reports were just coming in a plane had hit the World Trade Center. It wasn't confirmed yet. When I arrived at work we all met in the conference room and turned on the t.v. We watched in real time as the second plane hit. Watched as reports came in the Pentagon had been hit. There was no way to know if this was contained in NY or a plan to hit major US cities all at once. After two hours of watching events unfold I left work, picked up Noah and drove as quickly as I could to our home in Acworth. I called Justin {my now ex-husband} and we talked and cried as we shared this experience {still mourning the events of our day before}. Everything within me wanted to curl up on the couch and watch the news reports all day but I didn't want to expose Noah to this event. How could a three-year-old ever comprehend?
I was desperate to keep busy, so I scooped up Noah and got in the car. I needed to stay busy and maintain normalcy. So, I went to the Social Security office and applied to change my name back to my maiden name. Then I went to the bank and setup my new debit card {with photo I.D.}. Then I went to the DMV and got a new Driver's License. I tried to run some other errands but in the early afternoon all businesses were closed. So, Noah and I went home, I cooked dinner, made phone calls to friends and family, had our night-time devotion, then crawled into bed {with Noah by my side} and prayed through the night into the morning.
{9.12.2001 ~ Present} In the days to come we were all affected {and changed by 9/11}. We will never forget this war innocent business people were thrown into. The families forever changed by this day. For me, personally, this time in my life began my greatest transformation. My life and my testimony, which I felt was forever ruined by my divorce, was instead transformed, strengthened, restored and renewed. My grandmother, Louise, assured me God wasn't angry with me {in fact, it was the opposite} and over the next year, God proved just how in love with me He was.
I began to hear the voice of God {not like Charlton Heston ... though that would be so cool}. It was a quiet leading in my heart that told me things I couldn't know. With Christmas fast approaching I was unsure how I would provide for Noah. On Friday, November 9 I was driving to work, talking to God, and I felt Him leading me to make a wish list on the Toys 'R Us website. So when I got to work I quickly logged on and did just that. I clicked toys, books and puzzles onto the list and hit "save." There was no way I could afford all these items, but it felt good to dream.
Later that morning one of my co-workers, Jimmy, came into my office and shut the door {and what he shared gave my cold chills cold chills}. The previous night he was watching NBC {must-see-t.v.} when he said he heard a voice. Dismissing that notion he continued to watch t.v. Then he heard it again. He turned the t.v. volume UP. Again the voice spoke {and this time Jimmy listened}. He shared with me "the voice" told him to help provide Christmas for Noah. This was a HUGE miracle because Jimmy was an atheist who didn't believe in God. And then he asked, "Do you have a wishlist?" And I almost straight died right then and there. Stunned, I told him I'd just made a wishlist that morning and would send him the link.
On Thursday, November 22 I was driving to work {and talking to God} and He told me this was the day Jimmy was bringing the gifts collected on behalf of Noah. I was so moved and grateful for God's provision {and Jimmy's faithfulness.} And, God told me Jimmy would hand me an envelope with $200 inside {which I found very specific and curious}.
When I arrived at work Jimmy stopped by my office and said all the gifts were in his car. We walked to the parking deck to transfer everything over to my car and then headed back inside to my office. When we got back, Jimmy had one more thing. An envelope. I grabbed him by the hand and told him, "Jimmy, I want you to know how much you've blessed me. I know you don't believe in God, but He believes in you and loves you. I could never thank you enough for what you've done for Noah. All I can give you is the gift of God {and I pray one day, if not this day, you'll receive Him.}" Then, I told him I knew what was in the envelope because God had already told me. $200. He went very pale, laid the envelope on my desk and quickly exited. I think the whole experience was overwhelming for him. I found him later that afternoon to thank him {and everyone} for their generosity and shared with him even though he might not understand it {or believe it} he had been obedient to God's call and I knew God would bless him for it.
I wish I could said Jimmy accepted Christ that day but to my knowledge he didn't. Still, I know this experience changed him {it changed me} and I pray everyday that seed will grow in his heart and lead him to salvation.
God grew my faith exponentially in the year to come. He was my constant provider, companion and friend. He trained me to hear His voice through everyday tasks and reminders {like telling me I didn't have pull-ups in my diaper bag when I was running out of the house late to take Noah to daycare.} <--- I actually argued with God about this one, but hastily looked in my bag to "prove HIM wrong" and of course, I was the one in the wrong. "God, how can you be God of the entire world and yet hyper-focused on the contents of my diaper bag?"
I'll tell you why, because our God cares DEEPLY about every aspect of our life. This was the truth He poured over me in that first year of my new life.
I had considerable debt after my divorce, but God made a way and by the start of 2002 it was all paid off {miracle}. Noah had the best Christmas of his life because Jimmy obeyed God {miracle}. And also, earlier in October of 2001 my sweet Mom started praying for God to provide a husband for me. {this one was all her. at this point in my life I felt content to be a {single} Mommy. God was proving to be the best companion and Noah was my everything.}
I expressed my GREAT dislike of this idea {plus, I didn't even know any men.} "What about that guy in your band, Scott?" The one guy I knew, who was like my brother. Scott. I quickly dismissed that notion but Mom was undeterred {when she sets her mind on something there is NO stopping her.} So Mom declared she was going to pray for us to fall in love. And I couldn't stop her. So I said, "Go ahead."
Mom did pray that prayer. I don't know how often or how long, all I know is she prayed. And, on January 1, 2002, something in my heart changed. Scott and I had band practice that day for an upcoming gig. After practice Scott made a series of calls to ALL his family, wishing them a happy New Year. He called his parents, grandparents, sister, friends ... Over the past few months I had spoken with Scott's friends, and they all shared the same heart, "There's no truer friend than Scott." And now, watching this man who was also such a good son, brother, grandson, friend ... I started to feel a new emotion for him.
After all his calls were made we went into the den {where the lights were dim} and sat down on a long couch to listen to the new Radiohead album. I sat as far on the end of the couch as I could possibly sit without falling onto the floor. But, as the album progressed, Scott inched closer and closer. Then his hand found my hand. His pinky touching my pinky, moving over, over, until we were holding hands. Then it happened: "Amy, over the past few months I've been falling in love with you." All I could think was {"well played Mom, well played."}
I felt nervous and excited at the same time. I was falling in love with him, too. But I was a single mother with a three-year-old. Mommy's don't fall in love. And, single men who are footloose and fancy-free don't take on single Mommy's {with three-year-olds.}. So, I told him: "You aren't falling in love with me. This is just God-magic. My Mom has been praying for us to fall in love and it's happened." I then urged him not to love me, to just stay friends. But he persisted in his love for me {and Noah}.
In the months that followed I pretty much tortured poor Scott, making all our dates threesomes with Noah. We dined at the finest McDonald's in the land, saw a half-dozen shows at the Center for Puppetry Arts, dragged him to every kid movie released, played on many a playground, built snowmen in the snow. And yet he stayed {and fell more in love with me and Noah}. And in May of 2002 Scott took me to the mountains {and with my families blessing} proposed at the very restaurant my parents ate at on their honeymoon back in 1969.
As I reflect on 9.11.2001 and the years that followed one theme in my life remains {hope}. No matter the circumstances, there is hope. It's what gets us out of bed each day, gets us through our days {strengthens our tomorrows}. Even though I've been blessed with a close relationship with God, I've still struggled through my own emotions. I wrestle with depression, with worries of not living up to the potential God sees in me {the list goes on and on ...} But it's my faith and hope in God that spurs me on.
Francis Chan shares “True faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His Promises.”
This is my life's goal and ambition. To live a life abandoned to God, putting my EVERY hope in HIM.
All my love ♥
Amy
[…] was the man God {and my Mother} chose for me {to read more click here … sorry it’s pretty much the longest post ever […]
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