The Beginning of My After Story
He has not despised my cries of deep despair. He’s my first responder to my sufferings, and when I was in pain, he was there all the time and heard the cries of the afflicted. Psalm 22:24
Hello sweet friends. It's been a long month with a lot of life. I longed to write an update, but I've been very sideways and just gave God time to sort out my emotions, heal my heart, and give me His words to share.
The days after chemo proved to be my hardest yet. I was really shocked at how weak I was. I was unable to sit upright and felt fatigued to the point of death.
I thought processing throughout my journey would spare me grief at the end, but there's no shortcuts with trauma. There's no moving on from deep loss, only moving through it. This past month I've barely recognized myself and grieved deeply. My body has stored all the trauma - not just from chemo - but from a lifetime of striving, persevering, proving. For 40+ years I lived as if I had no limitations and that version has become a detriment.
As I reenter old parts of my life, it feels like I don't fit. Old Amy denied herself, pushed past limitations, and avoided grief at all costs (except for the five minutes I allowed myself to feel the feelings before calling time and shutting it down). Reentering life post-trauma, old narratives and habits resurfaced and really messed with me. It feels like a photo of old Amy has been held up in front of me, with all the expectations.
I've been living in the tension of who I was and who God is asking me to become. It feels like I need to introduce myself.
The beginning of my after story features honesty, truth, grief, hope, joy, and most importantly, living FULLY as God created me to be - limitations and all. I am so grateful for all your love and prayers, and especially grateful for those who love me as I am - through my wrestling, questions, and tears.
My therapist reminded me yesterday God is not impatient. He knows my process and heart. He's waiting patiently, lovingly, maybe even amused, as He waits for my surrender and acceptance. Just as we know how our children process and love them in the waiting, so is the heart of God.
God is doing a beautiful work in my brokenness and I am so grateful. And we've had much to celebrate. Elijah graduated High School! The stress of prolonged pandemic + anxiety + chemo took a toll, so we let go of striving, unenrolled him from school, and he got his GED. He will begin college in the fall.
Also, my CT shows no evidence of disease and I got my port out last Wednesday!
We went to the mountains of TN last weekend and enjoyed time on the river, rest, and got Elijah's senior pictures (they're going to be EPIC). God spoke to us through nature - a sweet blue bird, sunrise, sunset, ripples on the water, the wind and trees. All of creation encouraged and restored us.
Our family story is one God is writing and our only prayer is, May it be as you desire. In the brokenness, in the rewriting, in the surrender, is fullness of joy and unshakeable peace.
Before and After by Elevation Worship + Maverick City has become the song of my heart 
I'm a picture of Your faithfulness
I'm a miracle in process
God I never would have guessed
That You were working in the darkness
This is my before and after
There's a new light in my eyes
Some things the camera can't capture
I was dead now I'm alive
You taught my heart to beat again
When everything felt lifeless
You lifted me up from the depths
And You gave me back my purpose
From the ashes you make beautiful things
I know cause you did it in me
I thought it was over
I thought it was done
But you always have the last word
And the last word is love
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