From Torment to Refreshment

 

Powerful is your arm! Strong is your hand! Your right hand is lifted high in glorious strength.

Psalm 89:13

The night before my fourth chemo - when I was uncertain if I would be healthy enough for treatment, I had a session with my therapist. She asked me what I needed from God for tomorrow and all I could do was cry.

The weight of living in this middle space - in the waiting - made me so anxious. It felt I was paused at treatment three with no promise of four and hope felt too dangerous.

All I needed from God that Friday was to hold me. To feel His nearness. I was at the end of myself, having exhausted all striving and resources. There was nothing I could control or fix.

That night, weeping to God, I surrendered, waved my white flag, and began to rest in Him. In prayer, I let Him know I await a miracle. I await His intervention. Truly all will know it’s Him and He will get the glory for doing the impossible.

God restored my body to receive chemo four. Though the symptoms and pain were the same, the week after was the most gentle and peace-filled. And I received so much clarity from God on decisions that had been such a heavy weight for our family and realized we could just let them go.

Where I once only saw warfare - I saw breakthroughs. In the unraveling, limitations, deficits, and total undoneness the Holy Spirit has been at work. For 80 days I grieved all that was lost. But on day 81, I declared GRATITUDE. Through tears in session with my therapist, I gave thanks for all God has done and continues to do. There's nothing I would change about my journey.

After my session, Scott and I received a text a dear group of believers had been praying for us and wanted to show tangible support and care by committing to contribute towards our medical debt. All I could do was weep and give ALL GLORY TO GOD! We had declared God in control of all provision and waited to see His miracle and glory. That this group of believers had a heart for us was so moving and humbling and we are so grateful.

Through our church, The Parish, therapy, dear friends and family, scripture, and conversations, the Holy Spirit has transformed me and our family. (Chemo 5 + 6 (HOPEFULLY) April 9 + 30)

And now, on this Good Friday, I roll up my mat at the pool of waiting and embrace the story God has written for me and my family, saying goodbye to fear and anxiety. Today I raise the banner of HOPE.

“The worst thing isn't the last thing about the world. It's the next to the last thing. The last thing is the best. It's the power from on high that comes down into the world, that wells up from the rock-bottom worst of the world like a hidden spring. Can you believe it? The last, best thing is the laughing deep in the hearts of the saints, sometimes our hearts even. Yes. You are terribly loved and forgiven. Yes. You are healed." Frederick Buechner

I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody. I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me. I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes, hope will arise Death is defeated, the King is alive!

Until all is restored. Grateful for the nearness of God, for our family and friends who are family, for the beauty in each day, and for the hope of heaven.