Flourish Here, Even Here

 

I found peace in the chaos
I found peace in suffering
And I found peace in confusion
I found peace inside of me
I can finally breathe again

'Cause I found You in the river
I found You in suffering
And I found You on the mountain
You were always around me

Anna Golden - Peace

Hello friends. It's been a moment since I shared what the Lord is doing. Honestly, it's been a lot to process and I've been giving God space to sort my heart and emotions. My moments of life have not been instagrammable and I've struggled to share.

I am in a new season of refreshment, nourishment, and rest. On Friday, July 9, I stepped away from my job. Cancer and chemo and prolonged pandemic reordered my life. And it’s hard and not what I planned or envisioned. There was a high cost. But I am not less than. I am just changed.

I'm learning there is peace in surrender. After 47 years of controlling my narrative and wrestling with God, I'm learning full surrender. These last months have been a master class in suffering. But God used all of it to burn off the world and pride - all things that kept me from being who He created me to be.

I’m learning even if I CAN do something, it doesn’t mean I SHOULD. I’m learning the difference between CAPABILITY and CAPACITY. For 47 years I compromised my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health by pushing way past my holy fathers design. I was often exhausted, broken hearted, stressed. It wasn’t until going through utter darkness and gaining new limitations I finally learned the important lesson of loving myself and honoring my human limits. I’m leaning how to try softer, not harder. I’ve let go of who I once was and am learning to honor who I am in the present. I’m embracing my full humanity and new limitations. Honoring your needs isn’t weakness. It’s strength.

I recently discovered Kate Bowler and her words mirror my heart.

“Blessed are we who walk toward the suffering, bringing what gifts we have, and our sufferings, too, whether of illness or loss, grief or betrayal, confusion or powerlessness. Blessed are we who come to You so dose that we can whisper our loves, our fears, our unspeakable secrets, all that feels too heavy to carry alone, and all that we wish we could hold onto for longer. It is the beautiful that tells me what I love, and the terrible that tells me what I never want to lose. Lord Jesus, may I learn to flourish here, even here! Amen.”