Hope in the Hard

 

Saw new oncologist and really like her. Recommendation is surgery. She will present my case to tumor board to see if they think radiation is needed. She will have a colorectal surgeon in the operating room with her. The tumor is low and may require a resection of my bowels and/or ostomy. Once she has his schedule will call to schedule.

This week, I am really focused on joining in Gods good work. I hear Him asking me to let go of myself and de-center my will in order to participate in His (good and perfect) will. But this process is H A R D.

I feel empty and exposed and not myself. The distractions that once gave me respite no longer appeal. Nothing in this world SATISFIES.

My spiritual heart knows there is no rest or joy or solace outside of God. He alone can satisfy. But my human heart beats about, desperate for earthly joy. Never before have I more truly felt, this is not our home. I think I’m homesick.

Not in a pity, sad or angry sort or way, but as a spiritual being having a VERY human experience, I long for home.

CS Lewis Song: If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy. I can only conclude that I was not made for here. If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary, then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared. Waiting for hope to come.

I love each of you. Grateful to God, for our family and friends who are family, and for the hope of heaven