Abide In Him

 

Thank you for all the texts and prayers. Chemo 1 is in the history books. I was home around 6pm and went straight to bed (after taking a bath I have no memory of). Cookie Monster photo is what I think I must have looked at chemo. They ran Benadryl, a steroid, Pepcid and Ativan through my IV prior to starting the Taxol. I have ZERO memory of eating any of the snacks Scott packed. In fact I apologized this morning for not eating anything and he was like, “um, there was an empty pecan log roll in your bag and a cracker wrapper under your hospital chair.” And. I. Die. What on earth? Praying all my years of working on my spiritual health made me the sweetest, Jesus loving crazy person.

In seriousness, God has been so near and way too good to me and my family. The Emory nurses are angels and made me feel so cared for. I had a panic attack before they accessed my port and they had the Chaplain, Moira, come and be with me and she was such a calming presence.

And, God has given me a beautiful, sweet friend, Dee, love who has the same cancer, sees same doctors, and is taking same medications on Friday’s in Johns Creek. She asked them to sit me next to her and sacrificed her beauty rest to be present with me. Such a gift. Please lift up angel Dee and her family

Once Scott got Ativan Amy home I apparently took a bath and then went to bed. Today I feel so well and so grateful.

Thank you to those who have sat in the ashes with me and shared the burden. So often I don’t even realize the burden is there because I’ve had a lifetime of learned behavior of pushing through hard times and not being kind to myself.

My friend, Susie, has a dear friend in her life who said her word for this year is Gentle (definition: be gentle to yourself) and I LOVE IT (and Susie said I can share it with her). These last two years, I’ve truly begun to pursue authentic relationship - with God, Scott, our sons, my dear friends, and myself. For those who have pursued me and pressed through my hard candy and exterior to my ooey gooey center where the deep feels live - thank you. Thank you for sharing our burdens. And know I carry your heart in mine - it’s my joy to set with you in grief + joy

I feel God calling us to abide in Him - in His majesty. My devotion this week talked about the folly of a “try harder to get better” mentality. I can so relate. For all the progress I thought I made in slaying pride (and progress has been made) the chap is that it’s multi-faceted. So even though I’ve leaned to accept help and admit my limitations, I am still learning to be authentic to myself about my true feelings and where I’m at spiritually. I feel the grief calling to me, and I realize the areas of my heart God is wooing, but there’s still a mechanism deep within that says “I’m okay - it’s fine.”

I’m a slow learner, but I’m learning to draw more deeply into Jesus. 2020 stripped all the things that used to distract, and I’m learning (slowly) to fill that void with more Jesus.

My grandmother said she learned something about Jesus every day. While I’ve known Him intimately for 47 years, I feel her words in my heart so deeply this past year. The time last year opened up allowed God to come in deeper and fuller. Which is so beautiful - and also hard because the closer His light shines, the clearer I see myself. And all the progress I thought I made in my life, I see in His light just how much further I have to go (it’s going to take eternity!)

God is helping me become myself and I’m grateful - so grateful. The more He draws near, the more I love Him and the more I follow Him and the more like Him I become. Amazing grace!

“And so the Living Expression became a man and lived among us! And we gazed upon the splendor of his glory, the glory of the One and Only who came from the Father overflowing with tender mercy and truth! John taught the truth about him when he announced to the people, “He’s the One! Set your hearts on him! I told you he would come after me, even though he ranks far above me, for he existed before I was even born.” And now out of his fullness we are fulfilled! And from him we receive grace heaped upon more grace!” ‭‭John‬ ‭1:14-16‬ ‭TPT‬‬