Waiting In the Tension

 

Saw my team at St. Joe's today. If they DON'T call, I get Chemo 6 (ring-the-bell) tomorrow (Friday, April 30)

There's a vulnerability to being at peace, and I still have work to do. For several years doctors and nurses have written, "patient has anxiety" in my chart. I rebuffed that note, because often my anxiety and tears came after receiving not great news. But through these last four months, I've come to accept I do have anxiety - whether I label it that, or not - I hold my breath, there's tension in my shoulders, and intermittent gasps of air, like a panic attack. Even when I feel my mind is at peace, my body tells a true and different story. And I feel that tension.

Waiting in the tension of Thursday and Friday, waiting to see if I get chemo, it's hard to pray. I think my processing and tears are my prayers, which help make space for God's best will and what He wants to do in my heart and life. In the past, my prayers gave me hope God's will would be done. I prayed my hopes, my dreams, my plans, and then hoped that was what God wanted. God has been stripping away my pride all these years, and I feel I'm nearer a place of surrender. I've recognized all my human striving drives me in circles, until at last I surrender and yield to God. I've come to accept it's okay to be in the tension, unable to pray as I did before. In being silent and processing my thoughts with God, full surrender, and full acceptance of God's will has come. I'm hopeful future prayers will be honest and vulnerable and I'll do more listening than talking - giving space for the Holy Spirit to move and speak.

At the beginning of my journey, I prayed the prayer of Mary - "Here I am, the Lord’s humble servant. As you have said, let it be done to me." I didn't know the depths God would take me and the work He would do in me. But I'm so grateful. He's helped me learn surrender, vulnerability, grief, are all necessary tools that can be trusted because His heart and His will for us are good. God is moving me into deeper surrender and deeper trust.

Y'all, this is hard and holy work. I thank you for giving me space to share, grieve, process, praise. God is bringing healing waters and trees (Ezekiel 47:1-12). This much I know and can testify - God is in our (seemingly) hopeless situations. Even when you feel forgotten, there is a river. There is fulfillment.

For today, I pray, "Whatever thy lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul."

Psalm 46:1-4, God is our shelter and our strength. When troubles seem near, God is nearer, and He’s ready to help. So why run and hide? No fear, no pacing, no biting fingernails. When the earth spins out of control, we are sure and fearless. When mountains crumble and the waters run wild, we are sure and fearless. Even in heavy winds and huge waves, or as mountains shake, we are sure and fearless. A pure stream flows—never to be cut off— bringing joy to the city where God makes His home, the sacred site where the Most High chooses to live.

Fear Not by Fresh Life Worship (latest worship + weep song)

You’re calling me to trust You with my whole heart

All I am surrendered here

Oh Your grace and mercy found me in the dark

Hands with holes brought me near

And there is not a wasteland where You can’t bring fountains,

Always reaping joy from tears

I know that You are faithful, help my unbelief

Help me give the wind my fear

Let the faint rise up tall and stand in Your liberty

Let the weak say I’m strong,

‘Cause Your Spirit is alive in me

Let the broken and lost find power in Your victory

Nothing’s impossible with You

Nothing’s impossible with You

Until all is restored. Grateful for the nearness of God, for our family and friends who are family, for the beauty in each day, and for the hope of heaven.